(Cheryl I am sorry if I posted this in the wrong spot and it has to be move.).
Hi everyone,
I am not even sure where to begin. First, I guess I should apologize as I have not really been giving the support to you all as I need to. Lately, I have been reading all the post just can't seem to find the right words to express how I feel and I really want to be genuine when I reply and not just reply because I feel I have to. That being said I also feel like lately I have only been posting when I am "down" or close to the edge of the pit and I am sorry but this is another one of those post.
As most of you have read from my post on the stillborn board my best friend lost her daughter last week. She delivered her still born. God, it hurts so bad and it has brought back memories of both Jamie and Joey but especially my sweet boy Joey. I find myself having several meltdowns a day and just can't seem to control them. Just seems like I hit a brick wall on this horrible road and can't get past it or around it this time. Today Johnathan had a friend over who is a year older then him but have been friends since his intermural soccer days. I watched them today play guitar hero, go swimming, mess around with the car we gave Johnathan (which has always been hard in itself because I always think that should have been going to Joey as he would have been 16 and starting to drive now). As I watched them do all these things I kept thinking that should be Joey doing it all with Johnathan not his friend Paul, who btw I really like and tells me I am the coolest Mom of all his friends
! I actually had to go to my bedroom at one point and have a good long cry/meltdown today as it just hit me so hard that he will never be able to do any of that with Joey and my friends 3 older children will never be able to do it with Marley either. I just don't know how I am going to get past this one. I love Johnathan and I sometimes feel like I have him in Joey's shadow and I don't ever want to do that either. I never had him to replace Joey no one could. I had him because I wanted a child. Al & I always said we would have 2 children so even if Joey lived Johnatahn would still have been a part of our lives as he was so wanted. I just feel bad because I always look at Johnahan and wonder if Joey would be doing the same things he does you know play the same sports, look like him and act like him. As I said I am not putting Johnthan in Joey's shadow in so many ways I think I am putting Joey in Johnathan's shadow which also makes me feel bad. Johnathan ended up going over to Paul's house tonight to spend the night there and I should be grateful that Al & I have some us time but it is so hard as the house feels so empty without him and whenever he is not here it just drives me nuts because I can't check on him during the night to make sure he is ok and still breathing. Yes, he is 14 and I still do that.... I guess I am just crazy. Whenever he is not here I have so much trouble sleeping. So, I am sitting here missing Jamie, Joey, Marley and Johnathan. My biggest fear in life is loosing Johnathan and whenever he is not here that fear just rises to the surface big time. I just hate the fear. Before, I lost Joey I was a very strong person who was afraid of very little (ok bees big time!). But since loosing Joey I feel so weak and fear everything. Why can't I just enjoy life and be happy? Where did the Happy Ever After ending go? Why am I 16 years down this road still having the pain and meltdowns and hitting these brick walls? I keep thinking by now I should know how to go around, climb over or knock down these walls and I just have no clue how still. I guess I am feeling like I am going totally nuts tonight. I just hate all these feelings I am having and I hate even more the reason they have surfaced so badly. I just wish I could have done something to help so that Marley would be alive and another Mom didn't have to know any of these emotions we have all had and had to start her own journey on this "new normal" path we all have been forced to travel. I just sit here and think why?????? I know stupid as there is no rhyme or reason for any of this but it still just makes me wonder. I hate the unknown and that is where I am right now trying to figure out the unknown. It all just totally sucks!
For those of you who have gotten all the way to here thank you for reading this. I am sorry it is so long.
Thank you all for always being here for me as well!
XXX
Dyan
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