My 4yr old doesn't understand afterall

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

 Last night i was laid next to my 4yr old daughter waiting for her to fall asleep and she was just laid, eyes open so i asked her if she was ok and she said
"i'm just thinking about ben"
which i thought was lovely as he hadn't been mentioned at bedtime so she was genuinly thinking about him from her own thoughts. I then asked what she was thinking about him and she said
"why did we put him in that box underground with that man in that hole"
(at the funeral a man stood in the grave so ben could be passed down rather than lowered)
I was shocked she remembered the funeral as she was only 3 and 4mths last june, but more upset because we've always tried to hide the fact ben was in the coffin telling her instead it was a box of toys for bens's garden where we go to think about and remember ben etc (the coffin was gorgeous-blue and covered in giraffes that we designed).
So i decided to try and be honest and told her it was called a coffin. On the lighter side, as per usual she made me cry with happiness and love when she replied
"is that to make so ben doesn't cough"

Anyway-i really had trouble explaining-i was unprepared and the just couldn't find the words. She doesn't understand afterall and it worries me that she worries about these things. She told me she wishes ben can come back to our house for the day-i'm not sure she understands he's 'gone'.

I told her ben had gone to a far-away place
"like scarborough" she replied.

My kids keep me going, i love them more than anything and they havn't had the happiest home-life this past year as i havn't been the best mummy i can due to grief and depression.

Can anyone recommend anything to help them really understand? I love the book that jaydon's mummy recommended but also does anyone know a book which involves coffins or just any more good aids about death?

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

 

I dont really have any advice as both my little ones were born after Jake.

I think its lovely that she thinks of ben, I know the questions are hard on you but its probably just her way of getting her head around it

 

[karaokej88]

 

aw hun,

bless its hard to explain i bet.

maybe you could contact the funeral parlour to ask them if they have any book recommendations, or ask your doctor they usually have some ideas. you could say that the box is where ben was put to change into his angel wings and fly to heaven (my friend said this to her little boy after she lost her baby), and he thought it was great he had an angel who was like superman!

let us know how you get on,

love jane.xxxx

[Alison - Lucys Mammy]

Hiya, 

I cant really give any advise... Kate had only just turned 2 when we lost Lucy so she was really to young to understand she talks about her quite a lot but I am sure there will probobly be more questions as she gets older..... The hospital did offer us councelling for children ( they told us its done through art.. etc ) maybe there is somewhere around you that does something like that ?

Take Care

Ali x 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Hi hun first of all I'm sending yod your daughter plenty of  when I lost Brett my 2 children were 4 and 2 and my midwife and health visitor gave me info and a book called 'Where's Jess gone?' it explains to children where their baby sibling has gone without scaring them or confusing them it helped my 2 loads. I hope this helps you let me know if you can't get it and I can post you my copy xxxx


Emma and Angel Brett
xxxxxx

 

[Teresa ~ Keaton's Mommy]

  Big hugs for you and you daughter.

I also recommend the book mentioned above. I have experience of this from having to answer questions and explain things to my daughter who was 4 when Keaton died and is nearly 8 now. Children deal better with grief and difficult things than we would imagine though this does not mean they do not care. They do this by only taking on board what they want and can deal with at  any one time. They will ask questions and will probably ask the same questions at different stages in their development as their understanding develops. My advice would be to keep things simple but honest. Children tend to be very matter of fact and sometimes shock others if not us with their questions and  responses.

I would be happy to chat if you ever want or need. Please feel free to send me a message.

Teresa xxx   

[Pamela]

When we lost Jamie Jessica was 5 and I beleive it is best to be as honest as possible with children without scaring them. When Jamie died we told her that when we die we no longer need our body as its the spirit that is important and we explained all the nice things about Jamies spirit. These are the things that will make him into a lovely angel. We explained that he no longer needs his body and therefore this is what goes into his special box. We didnt have a buriel for Jamie so when we left his specail box behind we just said the angels will come and collect his toys but his body will stay in the box. When she saw the box of Jamies ashes she wanted to know why is was a lot smaller. So I explained that I didnt want to put his box in the ground as i wanted to keep it so I had his big box and his body that he no longer needs turned into Angel Dust.She was completly happy with this explanation and I would say have you understood and she said yes because Jamie doesnt need his body now as his spirt is the angel and he has wings. There is a book I found afterwards that explains it a bit different than the way I did it they call the body "His Coat".

I hope this helps somewhat but in my experience children will only take in what they understand, dont offer the information just provide it when they ask and be as honest as you can but in a way suitable for thier age and understanding.

but it sounds you are doing a fantastic job

all the best
xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Dani]

aww the poor wee thing.  I have heard there is a book called goodbye mog and one about dragonflies which are meant to be helpful
Danielle

[davids- mummy]

aww its lovely that she thinks of her brother bless her i know its hard to try to explain to them i cant offer any advice only if they ak wquestions answer them as best as you can my lil one was 5 when david died and she talks about him alot she understands death which is sad to say but she has one fear of when i die and trying to explain it to her is sometimes difficult as she will to worry about when its my time

[olivias mummy]

 

That must have been so difficult.

I think its nice really that they know things but arnt aware of the real meaning as children grow up too fast.

Many children experience funerals (although not often a sibling) and them not really understanding isnt an issue as they will as they grow up so try not to worry too much.

love cheryl xx 

[NeoDaisys&KaitlynDaisy&LucaEthansMammy]

My little nephew is 4 and i told him about Neo because i sometimes get uspet and he asked what was wrong. I told him that Aunty Allicia was a Mammy too but her baby lives in heaven. The baby was in my tummy and one day she grew angel wings to fly and sit on a cloud and look after her family. He then went on to ask me loads of questions like why and i just told him, sometimes people need to go because God needs a angel. He now cuddles her teddy all the time because he really loves her and tells me that i would have been the best mammy! I love him loads and some people think he was too young to be told but i thought it was just the right time.

Allicia
xx

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

  big hugs xxx

[cherise]

i dont have any advice just  x