A little advice needed pls girls xxxx

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Not sure whether thi sbelongs here or not so please move if it's wrong 

Right I have been speaking to my lc and they have asked to start sleeping over at their father's house when he has them every other weekend. I'm not sure about this  I have discussed it with my DP and he said that seeing as my ex had kept up the good work of being consistent this last 10 months we should maybe loosen the reins a little RE the boys. My ex has spoken to them too and said that he would be happy with collecting them on a Friday evening after work and bringing them home on the Saturday evening at 6pm. Which sounds very reasonable but why can't I say yes? 
I want to wrap my kids up in cotton wool and let no-one near them but I know that I can't. I don't know what to say to him I have asked for some time to think about it, the only thing that is swaying my desicion is that Conor (9) has said that he would make sure his father took him to Brett's grave when they were there. Which I'm positive he won't do but should I give him the chance to?
I don't want him to break their hearts but if I don't give it a chance then it's them I'm hurting not me 
Help xxx

[Bretts mummy Emma]

A little bit of background for those who don't know. My ex was violent and the last time he had the boys overnight he attacked his gf and was arrested, my boys were returned to me by a neighbour at 11pm at night in a right state. I stopped contact emmediately and then moved. My boys didn't see their father from August 2007 until March 2008 (about 8 months).

 

[Jemz]

My Aunt's Ex was violent and on several occassions tried to kill her, once seperated and divorced he didn't see the kids at all or paid a penny but re-married had another child and treated that one better than my own cousins. That was about 20 years ago now and the two older boys won't speak to their dad but my cousin my age has just got back in contact but how long it'll last who knows; it's happened several times now.

I know the boys are young but if they are wanting to go then maybe you should let them, maybe the first few times ask for them to be back before lunch to let your mind rest a little.  Do that a few times and then make it longer period. I know he attacked his partner but that could of happened during the day time too.

Jemz         

[marie Ethan's mum]

It's a tough one , if you give him the benefit of the doubt and say yes , you'll always have that worry but if you say no you'll risk the boys saying you stopped us mum, it's not fair

has he ever been violent towards the boys hunni

[Bretts mummy Emma]

He has never been violent towards the boys, but was violent towards me for 7 yrs. He has now been iwth his current gf for the last couple of yrs and as far as I am aware he has been violent towards her after drinking. Which he has assured me he doesn't drink anymore 

[marie Ethan's mum]

if the boys really want to go then i'd say yes but , insist on no drinking or he loses all contact forever... and has boys back on time, he broke the rules last time so you have every right,  also give the boys a mobile with credit so they can call you and gaz whenever they want...

sorry he was violent towards you babes ,  you have every right not to trust him

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Conor has a mobile phone on Vodafone and is part of my free calls family thing. So he can call myself his dad (Gaz) his nanny and a friend who only lives round the corner.

He has been on time and really good for the last 10 months which is why I am considering this. If he was still like he used to be then I wouldn't even be thinking about it.

 

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

I think you need to be seen to be making an effort.

I dont mean this to offend you at all but if you look to the future, and the boys manage to build a decent relationship with there dad they could end up resenting you for not letting them stay overnight etc.

As I said I hope you arent offended by me saying that. I know you have your boys best interests in mind 100% and you are right to be cautious but if you give it a go and there are problem at least you will be able to say 'I tried everything and he is the one that stuffed it up'

I really hope it works out well for you

 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel you haven't offended me at all hun, I just asked for advice just to make me feel better about making the right decision RE my boys 

Thanks girls

Love to you all and your angels 

[marie Ethan's mum]

some times it's easier for friends to say , you know you have to give it a try ,  then it is to hear it from family or  Gaz

that way if we get it wrong you can send me hate mail ;);) 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Thanks girls I really appreciate your kind words 

And Marie I'd never send you hate mail cos for that I would have to hate you and I could never do that   

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

  babe i really hope you sort it out .. heres a big hug 

[audrey]

 
Hi,,You can always ask him to let the kids phone you before they go to bed.That way you can always check everything is okay.They can even phone you at maybe lunch time next day to make you feel that wee bit more comforted. xx

[TotalEclipse - Bianca]

I would probably give it a go. Like you said he's been good over the past 10 months and the boys want to. They have a phone they can use when there seems to be the slightest sign of trouble and like Mel said the boys might start resenting not having had that chance as they grow older.

That said however I would make very very clear to ex that with the slightest sign of trouble he would screw it up for life and not get any second chances.

If not hearing from them til the next day would have you worried then make sure they get to call you before bedtime so you can check with them that all is ok.

Its a hard step to take but its important for the boys to get that chance as well.

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Well, the boys did go overnight and Conor was allowed to phone me to say goodnight.....In fact the little monster phoned me 18 times before actually going to sleep  then the following morning when I had the chance to have a lovely lie in as DP was at work he rang me again at 8am!!!  He even phoned me to tell me that he had his tablet in his mouth that he has to take to help him with bed-wetting bless him, I told him that he could have rang after he had swallowed the thing 

Anyway, thanks for all your advice ladies. The time has flew by cos they go overnight for the second time tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it.