i'm so scared of death

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

during my depression that came with the grief of losing my little man ben i developed anxiety, suffering a bad panic attack and moments of panic. I'm really struggling at the moment with this. I get myself all upset, in tears at the thought of my mum, dad, partner or children dying. I'm so scared of losing someone else. I can't even listen to my 2yr old daughters favourite song anymore, beauty and the beast, as i get upset as that is the song i would play at her funeral should anything happen to her. It took me till holly was about 18mths to relax a bit about worrying she'd pass away suddenly (its hard to believe she's healthy when her twin bens body was so broken) but now i tell myself shes too old to pass away to sids i worry one of the girls will get cancer. I took my babies for granted, never considered that one day i could lose one, now whats to say i won't lose another...nothing. I wake up in the middle of the night and darnt move as i tell myself if i move i'll start breathing funny and have a panic attack. I panic over having a panic attack. Thanks for just letting me have somewhere to write this down. I miss ben so, so much. Todays memory is hollys first smile, i remember how lovely it was to see but heartbreaking at the same time, you see doctors doubted whether ben would have even ever smiled due to his problems.

[Olliemam+1]

Kim

You are not alone in thinking about other loved ones dying, I often do and when I metion it to my hubby he tells me to stop being morbid.  I often think about what songs I would play if, god forbid smoething should happen to be beautiful Oliver.  I think that once you have had to suffer the most painful thing in the world, ths loss of your child, you NEVER take things for granted.

Here anytime you need to talk.

take care

Dawn xxxxx.

[Bretts mummy Emma]

      

[MamaOf3Angelz]

Kim,
My heart feels for you, really. I have suffered with agoraphobia (fear of open spaces, panic disorder) and I have basically been house bound for 11 LONG years.
I replied to a post on here just this morning about how I constantly live in fear of "who is going to die next" I think it is me, too... My parents are gone, alot of friends, Jaylei was born asleep,  Nikayla my 2 yr old cheeky girl and m/c of my sons twin, I am anxious about being left here all alone by myself. I get worried when my hubby goes out to do the shopping that my nightmare I had of him dying from a car accident will come true, so I anxiously await him coming home...
I'm glad my kids haven't complained of me disrupting their sleep, but it still hurts to feel the feelings.
I use to be so bad, like you I use to panic at the thought or word "Panic Attack" Anxiety will try and take full control, if you feel it is getting really bad, please see someone. I didn't and when I see where I am now, I wonder if I had of had behavioral therapy(self control of the panic) back then if it would of come to this? Even though it is still an option for me, but it has been a very long time....

I don't even know what sanitary pads to buy! My hubby gets them, I went to a supermarket once and there were hundreds more than last time I went and I get the wrong ones!!! I felt like a idiot....

Please talk to someone if you feel it is getting to much to handle, my heart goes out to you and I understand.
 
Sorry to rave on.... 

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

 

I am just the same kim. My dad had a fall on saturday night, (nothing serious and his own drunken fault) but it worried me so badly. I dont want to say goodbye to anyone else I love. I have my childrens funerals planned in my head. I know about the music and the flowers and the colours and the readings I want. It is becoming normal now for me to think Amy-may is dead every morning. Or that Josh will fall down the stairs or craig will have an accident at work or a car crash. I know that all this wouldnt make feel better if anything did happen to anyone but somehow I feel I have to be prepared.

It is a horrid way to live your life but what else can we do? Once something as special as a child gets taken from us it no longer feels appropriate to 'hope for best' we just spend our time preparing for the worst.

Your not alone in you feelings but if the panic attacks begin to get on top of you speak to your GP. I have been given medication that has done a fairly good job of keeping mine under control. I still have wobbly days but they are much less severe and easier to cope with.

If it helps you to post on here about your fears, to people that understand then carry on. And we all try or best to help you through them. Dont suffer them alone

 

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

thanks for your replys, you know i wish you wern't all going through this but its reassuring to know my feelings are normal. I felt such a bad mother for 'planning my l/c s funerals' how i'd adapt bens headstone etc. Wish my partner would understand why i freak when he's late home! I wait for the police to show up, play the scene in my head. I was on anti ds and beta blockers before but i don't want to go on medication.

[suzanne]

   i too feel like this honey, especially with my only son. i can sometimes think into the future about my girls but for some reason i never see my son past his teenage years (he's 14)!! i have told my family and friends this on many occasions and they go mad with me. i think its because he was my 1st born and my only boy. i took the exact same thing with him as i did with my angel only difference being i was 10wks further on with my son and already in the hospital. me and him both almost died, i never saw him for almost a week and never got him home till he was a month old. i really really hope i am wrong but as we all know once we have buried a child/chrildren we never totally relax. 

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

  big hugs to you babe xxxxxx 

[marie~elises mummy]

understand how u feel hunnie. just lately i have thoughts that shouldn't be going around in my head and nobody understands. i tell my dh put says nothing is going to happen and not to be daft. my fear is that am going to die when i go in to hospital to have my baby in 11 weeks, i will probably be having a section. i can see pictures in my head of my funeral.. am scared and don't no what to do but do think am going to have to discuss this with my counsultant when i next see him. take care 

[nicmc]

  big hugs to you

[MamaOf3Angelz]

 
I have been on every anti depressant they could throw at me, and although I do believe they help people and everyone is different, they just weren't for me....

It can be hard as most practitioners I have seen opt for them as the only way to keep sane, but I disagree on that one, so I too don't want that kind of treatment

 

I'm glad you can see that you are not alone in your thoughts and fears