Returning to work

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

I am thinking about going back to work. I have always loved working, when I was 15 I was working 3 jobs and had so much money I couldnt spend it (sadly saving didnt occur to me in those days  )

After jake died I returned to work and worked right up to Joshs birth and I havent been back to work since.

An extra wage would come in very handy right now. I mean we get by on craigs wage but it would be nice to be comfortable for a change.

My problem is leaving Josh and Amy-May. I am fine leaving them with my mum or with amanda but when I leave them with anyone else I am constantly panicking that something terrible will happen I know all parents feel like this but (I feel so morbid saying this) if I let anyone else take them I feel like I wont be getting them back. Like they are going to die as soon as they are out of my sight.

Every parent wants to do whats best for there children but I really dont feel like I am. Both of them are very shy and strange because they only ever spend time with 2 people outside of me and craig. I know its not healthy but I cant let go off my fears. I have spoken to my GP and as usual she suggested going back on my anti-depressants which I dont want to do. This isnt depression this is the fear of having to bury another child. Its real and medication wont take it away. I guess what Im looking for is some advce for how to leave them without spending my day planning a funeral for one or both of them which is what I do at the moment when they are out of my sight.

Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and go for it but have I left it too late to start introducing other people into there routine? I promised myself that I would tell my children all about Jake but I wouldnt let his death or my grief affect them in anyway but it is and I just cant help it. I have deprived my children of a 'normal' upbringing and the day will come when I return to work and they are going to think I hate them. I already feel guilty that Jake hates me for letting him down. I dont want his brother and sister to hate me too.

Im sorry if Im blabbering. Typing this through tears. I have been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and everyone I speak to just says 'they will be fine with a childminder' it may well be true but it doesnt help how I feel 

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

mel your children could NEVER hate you!! If you were a bad mummy you wouldn't worry about them, you wouldn't care! I'm sure your feelings are normal. My middle child started playschool at 2, staying on her own for 2hrs once a while, but i cant see me letting holly do the same, i'm not ready. My advice, wrong or right, would be to take it slowly. Right, you want to build up to working, do they have anything in your area where your kids can go and stay alone like a playgroup? Or could they start a morning in a nursery? At least then you could stop if your not ready rather than commit to a job etc. But you would probably need a distraction while they were there, maybe volunteer somewhere? Join a gym? This is just my advice so may not be the best, but i'd just take it slowly. Wish you luck x

[Pamela]

I would say how you are feeling is normal if that means all bereaved parents feel this way. I am scared already and our new baby isnt here yet! You are a great mum though, just by reading your posts you can see that. Sending you lots of HUGS 

Maybe do half an hour at first with someone different and then increase it steadily. Hopefully this will help.

xxLove me Pamela xx

[TotalEclipse - Bianca]

Mel its normal how you feel and I have felt the same both times I returned to work. It does get easier however once you take that step.
Mine are in school & nursery now and though I still hate leaving them and would rather have stayed at home with them both I know they are fine and well looked after.
The fear will never totally go though... or at least after nearly 5 years I still feel like that with DS so I doubt it will go, but it gets managable

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel the feelings that you are having are perfectly 'normal' unfortunately 

I too am the same as you, I wrap my boys up in cotton wool and they are 8 and 9 now!!! I knwo that one day I will have to let them be boys and go out to play but I just can't seem to let go yet  a lot of ppl say it's apron strings but it's deeper than that IYKWIM? I will only let my DP and my best friend look after them and have only just started letting my ex have them overnight which was a bigger step for me than it was for them.

I think maybe you should find a child minder who will allow you just to pop in once a week or so with Josh and Amy-May for a cuppa to see how they react to someone new and that way you can see how they adjust to new faces etc. Just take one little step at a time rather than jumping in at the deep end and committing to a job you may not give 100% to straight away xxxxxxx

[marie~elises mummy]

only u can decide hun, whatever the decision am sure it will be the right one, theres no rush. 

[Alison - Lucys Mammy]

  I know how you feel hun, at times I know I am wrapping Kate up too much in cotton wool not letting anyone really take her even to give me just a little break - I imagine the most bizarre things are going to happen even when she is with my sister (who has 4 kids ) or my brothers family (who has 3 !! ) I have made an extra attempt of late to let her go off for a bit with them every so often and she loves it when shes with them. I know it will be a long time before I can leave her overnight or anything but baby steps......

dont be too hard on yourself try little bay steps aswell 

Ali
x

[Alison - Lucys Mammy]

sorry meant ** baby steps ( pregnancy brain !!  )