I have taken the plunge

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

Today I have applied for two jobs. And now I am wondering if I have done the right thing 

They are only part time Jobs but I am still so frightened that something will happen to Josh or Amy-May. I will only have to leave them with Craig or my mum for a couple of hours a day but it is still longer than I am ever regularly away from them. Im scared of taking on a job and not being to cope and letting them down because my insecurities wont allow me to stay!

I had planned to go back to work almost straight after Jake was born. And I did but of course he wasnt waiting for me everyday when I got home. I know time away from me would be good for the ickle ones but it fills me with dread, the thought of walking out the door and thinking that will be the last ime I see them alive! How insane do I sound?? Loads of people go out to work and leave there kids and I think it is a healthy thing to do but why does it feel like such a big deal to me? I bit the bullet earlier and just went for it but now I have been in tears ever since. Maybe I should have done this earlier in there lives and it might have been easier.

This will sound really morbid but my biggest issue is not one of my children dying, I know that is out of my hands. I can only pray that fate would not be so cruel. My issue is that I NEED to be free from all guilt if it ever did happen. I go to extreme lengths to avoid situations that I could blame myself for. I still carry so much guilt over Jakes death that I seem to think I could handle another death easier if I knew I did all I could if that makes sense.

I must sound like a complete headcase to you all. I going to go to bed because Im so tired I cant think straight. I hope this all makes sense to somebody, sorry if it doesnt. Night all

 

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

aw mel-your really beating yourself up over this arnt you!! I'm sure your feelings are perfectly normal and natural. The only thing i can really think to say to you is try it, you can always quit if your not happy! Sorry, bit of a pants reply x

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel well done for taking this step forward hunni I know just how hard it was for you

I would just take it one day at a time and see how you get on like Kim said you can always quit if it gets too difficult.

[Olliemam+1]

Mel

Well done you for takin ghte first step  .  I know exactly what you mean about guilt, I went back to work when Oliver was 2 months old and I still think every morning when I drop him off at school or at my mams if he is on holiday, god I hope that he is OK and nothing bad happens.  I think that when you have lost a child it is even more difficult to ever leave them.

Wishing you all the luck with your applications.

Take care

Dawn xxxxx. 

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

what jobs have you applied for mel? X

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

Two retail jobs. All my experience is in IT and CAD/CAM etc but it isnt easy to find a part time job in those areas. I will keep looking.

 

[pauline-davids mummy]

mel wishing you luck in finding a job that suits you