feel like a monster

hello ladies
I feel like a monster, i feel like i need to be punished with everything that has happened since having ben because of me, i am so angry at my uselessnness and rubbishness at being a mummy, i have let ben down in every concievable way since he was born. i came so far since the terrible depression that consumed me when ben was born but now i feel like i am going back down into that pit and that terrifies me as i dont want to be ill again i want a healthy mental state and to be a good and safe mummy as i feel so frightened that through stress i could ever get like that again but all i have done is failed. my mum shouted at me yesterday on the phone saying i have been so selfish and wrong as i have started brest feeding ben again when he was on scbu i expressed for the first two weeks but with me having such a mental breakdown i stopped as i couldnt cope and had to bottle feed him cause i was so incapable at being a mummy but about a month ago i have felt capapble so i wanted to feed him again when i can but also i have had to go back to work for 50 hours for another couple of weeks until my redundancy happens from work so my sister is having him but and i never meant for this to happen ben i have confused he is now struggling sometimes to take a bottle as i have started feeding him again. i did speak to my scbu midwife and health visitor about it before commensing but i have been so selfish its not right for ben i must be confusing him as he wants me now and i am not availible so my mum was really angry at me about it and told me to stop strait away and think of my son who so far i have constantly failed she also had a go at me as i brought a v pillow which i use when feeding ben at night time and when bens had his bath and is in his jim jams at night i put him in on top of our bed and snuggle it around him to make him feel secure but my mum took it i was allowing ben to sleep in our bed and she had a right go at me about that saying dd i know how dangerous that was yes mum i do and no mum i dont allow ben to sleep in our bed as that risk is not there then but i felt really bad as ben has gone from this quite placid baby to a baby that seems to cry all the time i love him and want to do whats best for him and maybe its cause i have started breast feeding him i have hurt my baby and thats why he is so grizzly . also feeling down as ben is such a beautiful little boy and after such a traumatic time in hospital and the terrible way i was and how i reacted to him i feel so guilty the other week i wrote a letter to the midwives on scbu trying to explain myself , but maybe it was just a list of excuses as it was all my fault and i need to take the blame and i felt like i was shifting the blame away from mself when the blame lays firmly at my feet .but i selfishly wanted to protect my reputation and not have them remember me as a monster, but i was a monster it was all my fault and i should live with that guilt for the rest of my life i should feel tormented about those memories i deserve to be treated with contempt and anger but in my letter to the midwives i wanted to tell them what happened from my point of view trying to repair the damage i have done to my reputation as these were people i had dealings with with connall. but i feel like a monster i am angry at what happened to me and at the reaction that was given me by the mental health doctors
i am angry social services were involved, as i felt shame at what people would think of me yes i was very ill and yes i was reacting terribly to ben and not in my right mind telling them i felt like hurting my baby that i was having terrible thoughts about him and yes of course any doctor has to take that seriously and yes i was being watched on scbu because of that as yes there were babies there that i could potentially posed a risk to as i was posing a risk to my own baby at the time so yes i know social services would of been the next logical step , but i feel angry that social services became involved my post natel nurse said she never would of got them inviolved at all if she had got to me earlier she was cross about it but i know its my own fault . and now they thank god are out of my hair after a couple of weeks i am trying to learn to live probably with my beautiful son but now my marraige has started failing things are so bad between me and simon and to be honest now he seems to be struggling with ben and ben constantly crying is winding him up, he feels like things have become a knightmare and he rightfully has become angry at me for what has happened, he also has i think an anger management problem because he is frustrated that he cant seem to ease ben but i also think its wind as ben is on ranitadeen and gaviscon but he seems to be so fractous all the time , i try not to be stressed around ben and calm and give him loads of cuddles and love and try and soothe him but i am so tired also thats not helping i am doing 90 percent of the feeding and going to work for 40 hours a week . am i a terrible person i dont want to be ill again i want to be a good mum to ben and am trying to be proative and get some help before it goes wrong again i am on anti depressants which were really working but now it feels like they are not what should i do also its connalls funeral aniversary date coming up 7th so mabe thats not helping.

sorry for this email please any suggestions would be greatful

how do i be a good loving mum and help ben

lisa