Kim you havent lost your mind!
I have been lucky enough to have 2 children since Jakes death. They help to ease the pain as Im sure your girls do for you But the yearning for another child has never left me. I made the decision to get the coil fitted because we cant afford another child and I already struggle to give Josh and Amy-May the full on attention they deserve with Craigs weird working hours. There is not a day goes by that the thought of having the coil taken out doesnt cross my mind at least 5 times.
I think it is very easy to mistake the longing for a baby and the longing for Ben. I know if I think about it hard enough that I am longing for Jake and no 'other' baby will ever fill the gap that he has left behind. Right now I have 2 children here when I should have 3. I could have another to have 3 children with me like I should now but then really I should have 4.
Its not right and its not fair that such a big part of our families are missing but there is nothing we can do to change it. Another 10 children still would not fill the Ben sized hole in your life. I do understand how you can be painfully broody especially after being sterilized when I was pregnant with Amy-May my kidneys were in a bad way and I was told she would have to be my last. She wasnt even born yet and I was already so broody for the baby I thought I would never be able to have (thankfully the damage wasnt as bad as first thought but I still have to think long and hard about the risks of having another pregnancy) but take it from someone who has done PAL twice, You might get your boy if you try again but he wont be Ben and It does bring about a whole other set of heartaches.
Dont feel guilty about how you felt when you found out you were expecting twins. Honestly I think I would have a heart attack!!! Your feelings were skewed by shock and panic and I think thats about how anyone would feel. Especially someone with 2 young girls already at home. I wasnt happy when I first found out I was expecting Jake but that feeling soon passed and I know (or at least I hope) that Jake doesnt hold those feelings against me. It doesnt change how much I love him and how completly devasted I am that he isnt upstairs asleep were he belongs
I hope you manage to make some sense of your feelings. Try talking to Lee. I know men are useless but he might just help you make some sense of it
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