Unsure of my feelings at the min

[Bretts mummy Emma]

I feel like such a cow at the minute, with all of Brett's living and breathing days passing me by I am sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole. I am trying so hard with my lc yet everytime I try I end up shouting at them and making them cry, my eldest who is 10 asked me why I shout so much when I never used to, I don't want to tell him it's cos of my grief for Brett cos I don't want them to think that shouting at ppl is ok iygwim? I just can't put into words how I feel..all I know is that I want to curl up in my bed and not get out again until after Brett angelversary. Yet if I did that then I would feel guilty for just having his 'life days' pass me by so would be in a similar place then!!!

OH I don't know what to do it's doing my head in cos I don't want to be a horrible mummy who shouts all the time yet I can't seem to stop myself

Help 

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

 

Emma, I have been much the same recently. So many of my waking thoughts are with Jake and the what ifs that I have become so snappy at Josh and Amy-May and they are only babies themselves. I really do feel for you cause it is such a horrible state of mind to be in.

I hope for some brighter days for you

 

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Thanks girls

Mel I just don't know how to stop being so horrible it's doing my head in. I'm angry at myself for being angry at them when they haven't done anything wrong. I overheard them talking earlier and they were saying that they can't wait to go to their dad's this weekend cos them mummy can have a break from us and she might be nicer when we come back.  I just went into my bedroom and cried cos they shouldn't be thinking adult thoughts like that, they should be worrying about sweets and football like normal boys not mummy's feelings and sadness. I love them so much and thought that this parenting course I went on would help but tbh it's just highlighted wher I am going wrong with bright neon lights!!! It was a good course but in my opinion came across as quite a strict course and I don't want to be strict with my boys I want to be firm but fair iygwim?

I am going to get some sleep now and see if that helps. They are going to their dad's tom til Sunday at 6pm so I hope that a night away from me gives them a break from my horrible shouting. Just hope that when they come back I am nicer if not I might go and see my Dr xxxx

[Susan - Tobias & Tanesha's Mummy]

 Emma big
 

[Pamela]

emma my heart goes out to you because I have felt the same so many times before! when i know i am like that i am honest with Jessica i tell her i am feelung sad because i am missing jamie! we have a cuddle and we sort something out between us what to do! i might see what she wants to do if its a movie it gives me chance to do something else or we might do Jamie things!!!! it just depends! i hope you get some rest this weekend xxx

[Blakes Mummy]

Emma I know exactly what your going through but it took me until last year and being supported here to realise it was my grief that was making me yell and take my grief out on the kids.

hugsssssssss hun

[mum2evan+dyfan]

i'm so sorry i have no words.  but am thinking of you

Kathxxx

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

Emma-i struggled with my anger at times after losing Ben.
I had a BIG wake-up call when my eldest showed the same angry shouting to her younger sisters. I didn't want them copying my behaviour.
I never mean to be angry but at times it is hard. Being on anti-depressents really helped with my anger.

I also discussed it with the councellor and we agreed that honesty IS the best policy.
I've sat Ashleigh down and just like i explained the tears i explained the anger. I told her how mummy sometimes gets angry because i'm so upset and angry that Ben died, and just made sure that i always said sorry.

Don't beat yourself up about it Emma, it's a difficult time of year, but do talk to the boys and maybe your doctor too.
Anger is a big part of grief x

[cherise]

i have no words just lots of 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Thanks girls

I've had a little chat with the boys and we seem to be getting along a lot better now. It helps that I've bribed them to behave with their own laptop lol  it keeps them out of trouble too haha.

I am at the drs for something different on 4th Sept so I will mention my moods then and see what the dr says.

Thanks again girls I don't know what I would do without you all