Feel like such a bad mummy

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

Its Josh's 3rd birthday in just over a month. Craig got paid today and he mentioned shopping for his present soon as he wont get paid again til the day before his birthday. I told craig that i wasnt going to get him a present as such, Just keep the money and on his birthday we will take him to smyths and let him go mad and pick out what he wants. I know Josh would enjoy that, But the truth i I just cant face shopping for a present for him with Jakes birthday coming 2 weeks later. We arent having a party for him either, My mum and dad leave for holiday on tuesday the 6th which is his birthday so on the sunday I am taking Josh, Amy-May and my nephew Tyler out and having some cake at my mum's after. If I am honest with myself I am relieved my parents are on holiday, It has given me an excuse not to plan a big party like last year, How awful is that! Last years party was awful. The hole in my family had never felt bigger, and I just couldnt wait for it to be over.

It is just such an emotional time of year and I feel like I almost begrudge Josh a birthday because I cant cope with the rollercoaster of emotions. I want my children to be happy but I feel like Im falling apart inside, torn between what I have and what Im missing.

Im so angry at myself, sat here bawling my eyes out in the dark worrying that Josh will hate me or if I force myself to go all out for Josh's birthday, then Jake will hate me.

Im just so sick of wearing the 'Im fine' face just because no one understands. I know that when it comes to it I will make sure Josh has a good 3rd birthday but the thought of planning and shopping for it all just fills me with dread. I so badly want to be shopping for both my little men.

Havent felt this bad in a long time. Just got so much on my mind that I cant cope. Its not just Jake, it's everything. Nothing is going right and there is no one to blame but myself. I just mess everything up

Sorry for going on

[nathansmummy]

Mel,

I know it is easily said but don't be so tough on yourself you are only human and in order for you to be a good mum to josh and amy you need to stay strong and that is what you are trying to help yourself acheive. Im sure Jake will be by his little brothers side on his birthday making sure he has a fab time and helping his mummy stay strong.

Please talk to us I have also been feeling really low and have come to the conclusion that I have been letting things dwell to much inside without speaking about it.

Leanne 

[Blakes Mummy]

Mel Josh will love going and spending his birthday money and i bet he understands more than you realise huni, please dont be hard on yourself.


 

 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel don't be so tough on yourself hunni you are a fantastic mummy

Personally I think that what you decide to do or not to do for Josh's birthday is entirely your choice. Jake will not hate you for planning a party for Josh because either way he will get a party for his birthday to in Heaven with our angels, I know it's not the party you want him to have hunni.

[Olliemam+1]

Mel

Bless you Mel you are not a bad person or a bad mammy your Josh will always love you party or no party you are his mam.  Your Jake is watching you, I bet he is so so proud of you and see just how much you love all of you Children and just how how devestated you are that he is not with you all.

Words really fail me I wanted to say that you are a special special lady and person I am proud to call my friend.

Hoping that you are feeling a little better soon

Take care

Dawn xxxxx.  

[pauline-davids mummy]

mel no way are you a bad mum , its that time of year and i feel the same i cant have the get up and go , especailly when the is one of our childs birthday near our angels date (jenny is a week after davids) its that time of year the build up to our babys death thinking of you and all your beautiful children 

[Laura~Tyler&Taylor'sMommy]

Mel, your not a bad Mummy.

It's up to you how you choose to spend the day but I can understand why you feel so split with your boys birthdays being so close. Whatever you choose, Jake will be proud of you.

I hope you feel better soon 

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

 

Thank you all.

Leanne you are so right. I havent been posting much recently, Im getting a lot of that 'arent you over it by now' from the people surrounding me and for a while a part of me felt that maybe I should be 'over' Jake. I know now all I was doing was hiding how I really felt and I just cant do that anymore. I am not ashamed of Jake. He is my greatest achievement, I wish with all my heart the outcome was different but he will always be the little boy that made me a mummy. Im fed up of not talking about him and missing out 'those' pages of my photo album, scared of what people will think 

I just want my life to be how it never can be. I know we all want the same. I just feel so alone listening to everyone asking, what Im getting Josh, What Im planning, How big he is getting etc without a mention of my little man who is about to turn four without his mummy there to wish him happy birthday and give him a big kiss and hug.

The local nursery school starts back on monday.Jake should be all excited, ready to meet new friends and play with new toys. I should be emotional this weekend for very different reasons. Most people with children Jakes age will be nervous, spending a couple of hours out of a day away from there children. One day is all I got to spend to with Jake and I cant even be certain he felt my hugs, or heard what I said to him. He just feels so far away tonight. And on monday I will watch parents walk past my house to drop of the kids, knowing I should be doing the same walk with Jake. But he will never go to nursery. And I will never get to ask him what he learnt today.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up in November cause I dont know how much more of this I can bare.

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel be gentle on yourself

You know where we are hunni

And remember Jake loves you and thinks you are the best mummy in the world.

I felt like this last yr when Brett should have started primary sch  seeing all the little kiddies in their uniform just bought it home that I will never see Brett in a school uniform or make him lunch in his fave character lunch box or ask him what his teacher is like 

Sorry was going off topic then hunni I guess what I am trying to say is I have passed these milestones hunni and it was with your help and support so if you need anything just ask

[mum2evan+dyfan]

be gentle on yourself Mel,
Jake and Josh know you are the best mummy in the world and whatever you do they will enjoy and be happy with.
 

Kathxxx

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]