Dont know if I can face it this year.

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

Its now 11 days til the 4th anniversary of Jakes death and I am really really struggling to function. I very very rarely cry in front of the kids, Its not so bad for Amy-May but Josh is old enough to understand that crying means there is something wrong but not old enough to understand just what is wrong.

I broke down in front of them twice today, Once thinking about what to write on Jakes wish lantern and the second time because I just felt so guilty that I made Josh cry because he saw me crying. Now I have a sore throat from holding back the tears and I dont want to put Josh to bed cause I know it will start the tears and I'm not sure they will ever stop  I just feel so stuck. I know that I HAVE to face Jakes birthday but right now I just dont know how I'm going to make it through. I have come to believe that you cant die from a broken heart but I'm not so sure thats true right now and part of me wishes it was possible cause it feels like the only way to stop the hurt.

Just so angry at myself for thinking things like this, angry for letting Jake down when I should have been keeping him safe, Angry for scaring Josh with my tears

Not sure how much more I can take, I dont want to forget Jake, I dont want to stop missing him. I just dont want to hurt like this anymore. A couple of years ago, I got to the stage that I could remember Jake with a smile, I didnt feel that pain in my chest with every mention of his name, Feels like its been downhill since then. No amount of tears will bring my little man back, so why wont they stop 

 

[Blakes Mummy]

Mel I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain. I have sat here typing and then deleting what I have typed as the words are not the right ones. 

I really don't have the words to comfort you but so badly wish I did.

Love Donna

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Mel I am in a really bad place right now I have nothing to say but I know EXACTLY how you feel

[Olliemam+1]

Mel, bless your heart.  I wish I had the words or just something that I could de to take anway all of your pain. I really know what you mean about not crying in front on your Children, I rearly cry infront of Oliver but I must admit that I too recently have cried and when Oliver asked me why I had to say it was becasue his big sister was in heaven, it just breaks your heart.

Sending you and your beautiful Jake all the love and   in the world.

Wishing you easier days and weeks ahead.

Dawn xxxxx.  

[pauline-davids mummy]

mel my heart is breaking for you , you want to mourn your son and you cant cry in front of the kids , maybe in in time they will understand a bit better if they see you with tears you are thinking of jake . god that doesnt even sound right , thinking of you and jake at this difficult time 

[Paula_xox_]

      

Mel when i'm rid of this stinkin cold i'll be round to give you a hug in person.

Its so bloody hard to get through anniversaries without tears, when Josh and Mamy Hey  are older they'll understand that mummy is upset because their big brother isnt with you, they'll cope just look at my 2

Paula xoxox

[***clairelouise-finlays mummy ***]

 

[Jen]

   

Mel I can really hear the pain in your words. I really wouldn't worry about crying in front of Josh. Josh is a very secure little boy because of you. When you get upset tell him that it is because you miss his big brother. If he crys too that is ok. It is not fair that he has to grow up without his brother but Mel that is not your fault. You did your very best to keep him safe. You did not cause the PE or in any way contribute to it. None of this is your fault and you have been the very best Mummy to Jake, just as you are to Josh and Amy-May.

I have just realised that I am going to be away for Jake's birthday.   For some reason I had his birthday as being the 24th. I know it won't be the same but do you want to do our little lunch next Wednesday? Jake could be as important as the Queen and had two birthdays this year? We could paint a little stone (with Josh's help  ) that I will bring away with me and leave for him on the seabed on his birthday?

[suzanne]

  mel, i think sometimes the lead up to anniversaries are harder than the actual day itself. we all go through the 'this time such and such a year ago i was doing this,that or the other'. often by the time the actual day arrives it will pass quietly. as for crying in front of my future son-in-law, dont feel guilty. he will learn about his special big brother as he gets older and you are teaching him that its good to express his feelings. 

[mum2evan+dyfan]

mel i am so sorry there is nothing i can say or do that will ease your pain.
i cna't imagine how you feel about crying in front of Josh, but after meeting Emma and claire in manchester i was amazed and inspired by how much their children have grown up knowing about their angel siblings and ofb.  part of me hopes that when fatty budd comes home and grows up that she will always know about her big brothers and her ofb aunties.   i don't know if that will be possible yet as it may just prove too hard for me and i've never been in that situation, but it is what i hope for.
you're an amazing mother and an amazing person.  Josh, Jake and Amy-mae love you so much and are so lucky to have you as their mam.

Kathxxx

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

That sounds like a lovely idea Jen, thanks 

Thank you all for your support, It means alot.

Have had another morning full of tears, Josh told craig that 'mummy is sad' obviously I'm not as good at hiding how I feel as I thought I was.