Trying to be strong (l/c mentioned)

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

 Each year as Ben's May birthday and June anniversary approaches i expect it to become easier, but it doesn't. This year Ben will be 4. It will also be 4 years since he died, or as i prefer to say, to avoid such a harsh, real, horrible, cruel, cruel word; passed away.
 
As the years have passed life in general has become easier so i suppose i kind of expected birthday's and anniversaries to follow suit and also become much easier too, which is why i'm trying to suppress the feeling of losing control of being in control of my grief.

 I want to have gained control of my grief. Of course i want to feel Ben's death-i'd be devestated if i didn't feel anything-what kind of mother would i be then! But i don't want to fall apart over it/go back to those dark days. I also know the run up is always the worst part.

 I feel that i have achieved alot since Ben's death; surviving grief in my relationship so much so that we booked our wedding and gaining a place at university. Maybe that's a big part of it-that i feel if people see me fall apart they'll think how do i expect to go to university if i can't control my grief four years on, because i can't fall apart there. I can't look as if i'm not ready/strong enough.

I'm just feeling really anxious and down as if i'm trying not to give in to my grief.
Bless her, Holly is so excited for their birthday too-it's so bittersweet, and i am really happy for her too but it also means, being twins, that Ben's birthday is talked about everyday too so i feel quite drained.

Just needed to get it out.

[Emmylou]

I think you are doing really well, 4 years is not very long, dont expect too much of yourself. Good luck with your university,
 

[Bretts mummy Emma]

Sending massive hugs your way Kim xxxxx we all know just how difficult the run up to birthdays and angel days are. I can't imagine how bittersweet it is when you have to be happy for Holly when you are so upset for Ben xxxxx

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

I went out on Friday night with a few friends and totally broke down on the way home, i was such a bitch, it's a good job they are so understanding. I just ranted to them they they didn't realise how hard it is or how i have to hide my grief infront of them all etc

 I then got home and stayed up until morning talking/crying to Lee. I wasn't even that drunk 
I just feel so sad, really down. Spent hours at Ben's garden yesterday.

Oh well....life has to go on

[Olliemam+1]

Kim

Bless you xxxxx.  Things are so so hard like you say, wish I could give you these in person (((( xxxx )))).

Take care

Dawn xxxxx. 

[Alison - Lucys Mammy]

Oh Kim,

Sending you lots of (((((hugs))))))..... I think I understand a lil how you feel Lucys 4th Birthday really got to me this year and it must be so bittersweet that you have Holly here to celebrate........ 4 years isnt really that long at all, I like you am feeling that normality is coming back to life but the lows are really low though they done come as often.....

Ben will be with you helping you through the next few weeks, he be so proud of you and all you have achieved xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ali
x

[Susan - Tobias & Tanesha's Mummy]

Thinking of you kim sending a big (((hug))) to you. 
  Ben

[Belles Mummy]

Thinking of you Kim and Ben xxx