OMG i just need to scream!!
We're in the middle of Ben's birthday and anniversary.
Why am i finding things so difficult right now. I am a complete utter mess, so emotional, weepy and down.
I didn't expect to be hit as hard as i have been this year. I was by no means expecting it to be easy-god i'd be gutted if i found it easy, i'd feel like i didn't care, but i just expected after 4years to be able to keep it together.
Last week i had a panic attack, my first attack since 2007.
God i'm just a real mess and hoping that by writing something down it may help.
I'm scared that my depression is back and it just can't be-i have so much to be happy for-my growing girls, planning my wedding to Lee in a relationship that has just grown from strength to strength, going to university, my driving test etc etc etc-on paper my life is so good so why do i feel so sad?
One step forwards ten steps backwards
Bloody allergic to my new pet rabbit Clive too
well you gotta laugh to hold back the tears of this constant sadness-on the outside smiling because your dying on the inside
It hurts, it really hurts that my boy isn't here, i look around at all the little boys, all the little twins and it kills me. My baby Holly is growing up too fast (ben's twin) and i just feel as the years pass that i'm missing out on more of what should have been-as the years are passing i'm feeling more cheated on what should have been/what i should have had with Ben
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