Feeling really low :(

[Carebear]

I don't come on here very often but I really would appreciate some advice. At the moment I am feeling pretty low. I really miss my daughter Megan....who passed awayed in Feb 2009. I am very fortunate to have a twelve year old son and a 22 month old son but I can't help it.

My daughter Megan had contracted NEC and sepsis, so I know she was one poorly child but it's not fair. I feel like a toddler who wants to have a temper tantrum and throw all their toys out of the buggy!!! Why did she have to die? It's not fair and I hate it!

Unfortunately for everyone on this forum, we have experienced loss which is just awful and I apologise if I have upset anyone with my topic but I really do feel so alone (and I know I'm not!)

I am the type of person who remains strong for everybody else - like I almost build a wall around myself. Well now I know my wall has started to crumble and I don't like this. I know the grieving process never ends for any of us but does this empty feeling ever go away? I feel robbed and angry and I am never like this.

My family and my husbands family are ok but they have just assumed that my husband and I have "moved on and accepted" our loss. But I haven't. I don't want to accept it! I have to live with it day in day out but I will never accept it/

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you cope?

 

[kimbobt84-BensMummy]

Aw Amy, sorry to hear your felling so low 

I can totally relate to how you are feeling to the point that i could and have wrote the exact same words.

My son passed away in 2007 and i would say that the second year after losing him was harder than the first. I think i spent the first year in shock and then the second year hit me because it all became more real. I expected things to become easier and struggled when they didn't and infact became harder.

Please don't ever feel that just because you have two sons that you shouldn't be feeling the way you do-you have three children who should ALL be here with you  It doesn't change anything-you are not fortunate-you are unfortunate to have lost yur precious baby girl.

The whole thing IS unfair and i wish as parents we could have the answers to why we had to lose our children but my feelings on that are that there are no answers, as no answer could ever justify such a terrible thing. It still doesn't stop me asking why 

You say you have built a wall around you, mine was a black cloud and as your wall crumbles my black cloud that had been following me finally caught up with me. I think it is a positive thing that you have noticed you are struggling though and talking to someone may help-whether it be us on here, or a doctor? Counsellor? I tried both having suffered depression and cannot recommend counselling more! When i felt my friends and family thought i was 'over it' 'should have moved n' etc having someone to talk to REALLY helped.

They say time's a healer, rubbish, we just have more good days than bad as the years go by and this could just be a bad time for you, but it could also be a time where you have lost the ability to fight your grief anymore, i certainly have hit rock bottom several times.

People on here used to tell me that 2yrs on was still recent, still new and i would rubbish it to be honest-it was two whole years, but believe me-looking back it was.

Let's not forget the time of year we are approaching. I BLOODY HATE CHRISTMAS. Never used to, but now it just reminds us of who is missing and with it seemingly getting earlier every year and lasting longer and longer i am a foul person to be around. It will be my fourth christmas without Ben and i still struggle, particularly this past week i have.

So my advice? Don't bottle it up, you need to talk to someone, and i hope we can all be here for you and ease your pain, even if only a little x

 

[suzanne]

  aw sweetie, i know exactly what you mean. my caitlin died in 2003 and in those 8years i have been up and down more times than a bloody yoyo!!  having other children at home can give you something to focus on, but i also think it brings home how much we are missing out with our angels iykwim? i am very lucky that my family sort of understand. i have never got the impression that i 'should have moved on by now' but i am conscious of how much i say as i hate to drag their feelings down too. i have been on anti-depressants since i had caitlin and many times over the years the dosage has been increased and decreased. the run up to christmas is very difficult and that could contribute to how you feel at the moment, but it could also be that you have been holding yourself together and now maybe need to get some help. counselling is great. i found sands meetings very good and no-one minds if you come and go through the months/years etc. whatever action you decide to take honey, i wish you all the best. remember that you always have us here. you are never alone 

[Olliemam+1]

Bless your heart, your words I could have wrote myself 

When I lost my Angel I wen on to have my beautiful son who is 7 in March.  People do just assume that you "move on" when you have another child.  I miss my precious Angel every second of everyday and it does not get easier, I have just learn't to "cope" with my grief most of the time.

We are always here for you anytime you want to talk things through.

Thinking of you and your beautiful Megan

Dawn xxxxx. 

[Susan - Tobias & Tanesha's Mummy]

  Amy,
I lost Tobias in 2003 who also lost his life to Nec, sadly less than a year later Tanesha was stillborn. Losing my babies was the most painful time in my life and now today 7/8 years on although I have days where I am "living" there are many many times and emotions that are still with me and I think always will be.
 
I found after my babies were laid to rest it was only a matter of time before different people felt that it was time to pull myself together and "move on" (lord i hate those words!!!) the world continued moving and i was just be dragged along i can honestly say from my heart it wasnt until later, a few years on when I found OFB and Southampton sands did I have the wonderful support and space to grieve and no longer be and feel on my own anymore, it truly breaks my heart that i am not alone that other people have lost their babies too, its so unfair.

I find writing well typing helps me on my darkest days, sometimes I share my thoughts other days just typing releasing my thoughts is enough to give me that little bit more strength to get through the days when coping just isnt enough. It has been a painfully slow road to walk before I was able to notice some days that were better than others and others where I'd find myself smiling or even doing what i thought would be forever impossible... laughing, it can be such a rollercoaster and there is no manuel to tell you how or when to be. sorry im rambling now. thinking of you, we are all here for you xxxx