anyone else get this?

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

It was mine and craigs anniversary on wednesday so my parents kindly offered to take josh and amy tonight so we could go out for a couple of drinks 

Anyway they have only been gone an hour and i miss them  I feel as if a big bit of me is missing, but everytime I'm away from either of them for any length of time (especially amy at the moment with her being so ickle) Jake is the first thing to pop into my mind. I dont quite know how to put this without it sounding harsh to either Jake or my l/c but its like I have got so used to missing him and the ache it brings that its kinda just part of life now. When im missing my other babies it reminds me that its all 3 of my children i want to hold and be near?!?

Apologies if that makes no sense to you all it sort of makes sense in my head but i cant quite get across what i mean.

I guess what i really really want more than anything is to go out and have a nice night and in the morning have my mum dropping off Jake Josh and amy instead of only two of my children coming home to me

I was thinking tonight, (had a few drinks and random things tend to pop into my head  ) how lovely it would be if there was really a god and he read all the heart breaking stories on here and sites like this and decided he had been cruel and he sent all our little angels back to us. Thats what im gonna wish for from now until the day I am no more, For each and everyone of us angel mummies. I think it is the least we deserve

  for all of your babies on earth and in heavens playground

 

[Alison - Lucys Mammy]

 

Ali
x
 

[olivias mummy]

awww mel hun 

I think that everyone who has children (especially ickle ones) struggle when they go out and leave them behind but with your loss its totally normal for you to feel the seperation more.

I had never thought about how when people pick the children up it makes the gaping hole where Jake should be so obvious but i totally can see where you are coming from and the only advice i have is that over time as with all the other things that hurt us, you will get used to it.

i so wish we didnt have to and i too hope that god realises he was wrong and sends our angels back.

love cheryl xx 

[karaokej88]

 

aw sorry you have to feel like that, i also hope god is wrong and send s our angels back to us.

love jane.xxx

[elenors mummy]

Aw hun......
Dom and Elle sleep at their dads every other weekend and me n wes miss them so so much....... its also our forst wedding anniversary a week on weds and my parents have offered to babysit but i just cant go out yet and leave lola ... so you have got further than me .... i leave her for 2 hours on a tuesday night to go dancing and i am n the phone every break...... i really do need to break free and let my hair down but just not ready yet.....x xxxx

[soph25]

aw Mel 

I hope that you are enjoying your night as much as you can.

I too miss my little man when I go out without him - especially when I left him for 2 nights when I went to Dublin I just wanted to go home and see him! I feel guilty leaving him as feel like because I lost Sophie I should never leave my little man like I left her in the grave yard. I always think something is gonna hapen when I am not with him and dread my phone ringing but I know who ever I leave him with he is well looked after - normally onyl with my parents.

I so wish that we ould all go out and just enjoy ourselves. I also wish that if god is real that he gives us our angels back.

xxx

[mel - jakesangelmummy]

thanks everyone 

I did have a reletively good night but when craig went to the toilet he handed me his keys and he has a key ring with a pic of josh on it just 15 weeks old, the first thing i noticed was that jake josh and amy all have the same little dimples!! sooo cute, then i looked at it and thought of how josh is now and how much he has grown up into the little man running about my house screaming in his very own little language  and by the time craig came back i was balling my eyes out because it really did bring home just how much im missing out on not having jake here beside me.

Amy is 5 weeks tommorow and she is already growing up so fast i want to watch the same thing happening to Jake but that chance was stolen from me, and deep down i know that i will never see him again and it hurts too much so i cling on to the hope that someday i will wake up and be a proper mummy to all 3 of my babies.

Im pretty tispy  and emotional and all i can think of is his little face that i will never ever see again.

I dont want to hurt anymore Im sooo thankful for Josh and amy cause I know without them at my mums waiting for me i wouldnt be typing this, i would be doing something really stupid just to bring me closer to my little angel,  I just want him to tell me he isnt angry with me. I cant grieve properly because of the guilt i struggle with every single day. Why did he have to die? i would give anything to just hold him once more and to tell him that i love him and to know for certain that he heard me.

Im sorry, balling my eyes out again. gonna have to head to bed. I know i havent been about much recently but you really dont know what it means to have you all here for me when i need you. Thank you, for everything

 

[soph25]

aw Mel 

We are here for you regardless of how much you come on you know that.

I so wish that I could take your pain away and give you what you want most in the world - I wish i could do it for all of us.

I don't know what to say. I guess there's not a lot I can say other than I know how you feel hun and anytime you want to chat I am here if you want.

Jake knows that you love him and he isn't angry with you - he knows that you did all you could for him. Don't be hard on yourself Mel.

xxxx

  for Jake, Josh and Amy

  for you

[sweetangel]

I was like that when Wayne was little my mum use to have him over the weekend and i always texted or rung to see if he was ok. I sometimes do it now and he's 3 years old so your not the only one feeling like this its ok to feel like this.

Love Zoe 

[olivias mummy]

 

mel hun we understand how busy you are and that you cant be on as much as you would like but as is for us all the site is here for when we need each others support.

I wish i had the words to comfort you but there are none.

I hope you are having a slightly better day today.

love cheryl xx 

[amyclarks mummy]

i decided to breast feed so nobody can have caitlyn for the night now i feel a bit selfish for it but i still check on all my children through out the night i let the 2nd youngest sleep out when she was   months old due to moving and i rang my mum every 30 mins to make sure she was ok you just being a loving mum  and you babies couldn't ask for more we all have our  watching over them to